Letting go of the reader

The reader who came drunk deserves a mention.

As I sat in my apartment writing thank you letters, I realized that beyond the conventional gifts and attendances, I had the wedding to thank for so much more.

More than the ability to gather together close family and friends to support me in what was a major decision in my life. I never thought I would host a wedding, thinking myself already very much committed and past all that a participating in a conventional wedding represents.

More than the ability to throw a (lets-face-it ) not very fiscally responsible one day party which took months of preparation. (To my mind), If I did do the "wedding thing", I somehow envisioned it happening quietly, with my partner and myself jetting off to the Maldives or the Swiss Alps, accompanied by two of our best friends. Quel rêve!

I'm careful not to replace "wedding" with "married". I know it's a bit clunky to say "host a wedding" instead of "get married" but the distinction is very important to me.

I had the wedding to thank for such a pivotal development in my personal relationships. 

I came to the conclusion that I had outgrown some friendships, and perhaps, too, they had outgrown me. I suppose you could that say that if I had only been open to this sooner, I would have done something about it. It seemed that what the wedding did was to illuminate issues that had existed for quite some time yet I was either too complacent or too cowardly to confront. 

As I struggled to write my thank you letter to one of the readers, I accepted that her selfish attention-grabbing games on the wedding day was just a feature of her personality. I also (finally!) resigned myself to the fact that she'd behaved that way at other times. At the same time, I realized that I don't have to be around for any of that any more. 

Because, (OMG!), this isn't high school anymore. Because life's too short. And you know what? I'm just going to give this one a miss, thanks. I've already paid my dues. And oh OMG, I'm too old to take that kind of BS!