AWOL at the 11th-hour: the special case of the no-show invitees

In my previous post, I unburdened my bemusement/stupefaction/concern (wink) at some of my SIL's antics and our communication issues. Our relationship has - thank God! - evolved into something characterised by a comfortable distance of forced  (or refined) politesse.

I like the present status quo. Believe me, if you knew what it was like before, you'd agree! We only see each other at family get-togethers. It's safe to say that there's a certain kind of peace that comes from suppressing what you really feel about certain members of your clan. More useful things get done.

"Why can't people just get along?" you might ask.

My response to this is "yes we can!".

People can just get along. In our case, it's superficial, sure, but heck I don't have to sleep with the woman and she definitely ain't moving into my place anytime soon!

Family can do such surprising things. So can dentists I suppose, but you can change your dentist, not so much family. Family requires such care. You're stuck with them, and sometimes this ain't exactly for the best. It's just how the dice rolls, the card falls, etc. This SIL  (I've got 5 from both sides) certainly surprised me during the wedding. Thank you!

The wedding was a big deal to me  (and to my partner of course :-) for the same fundamental reasons that other people's weddings are important to them. Fundamentally, a wedding is about a celebration of finding love (quelle chance dans tout le monde!), it's about a public declaration (yes even intimate destination elopements!), and it's about the various accoutrements & paraphernalias (costumes, adornments, food, etc). And oh, of course, of course, it's about family, whether it be your new-urban family, or your old-fashioned nuclear one.

Regardless of how "unique" or "offbeat" or "alternative" you might think you are, these are the fundamentals of why a wedding is a big deal.

Having explained why a wedding is a big deal, it's easy to understand why the hosts/bridal couple might be more than a little peeved when certain invitees decide they're not going to turn up at the 11th hour!

In this case, on the morning of the wedding. In this case, all from one family. In this case, all from my extended family.

What's more, there was no life threatening excuse nor even an actual reason beyond "we're no longer able to make it". That was it. "We're no longer able to make it."  

Interesting.

I wonder what their reaction would've been if I had written to them, after I had sent the invite, that "we're no longer able to invite you".

WTF? HUGELY INCOVENIENT is WTF is it!

(And) I mean inconvenient in a similar sense to when you're put on hold for 20 minutes by a call-centre help desk while you're on your cell phone. Inconvenient like in that similar sense but times by a factor of gee, I dunno, one thousand stress boiling points.

Ah, it's not worth it.

It goes without saying that, yes, we could have invited a whole table full of people in their place if they had done the most considerate thing and said "no we can't make it we don't give a f**k about you two!" Fine, that would have been perfectly fine with both myself and my partner.

We could've invited 4 sets of loved-up couples, friends who would've been more than happy to celebrate with us, to enjoy the free sit-down dinner and unlimited booze (and it was good people!), to support us on what was, and is, a very important day.

As it was, my partner (now husband), usually exceedingly patient, thought that my entire family had taken leave of their senses and were absolute philistines totally clueless about the basic rules of social intercourse.

I am to this day embarrassed by their behaviour. They didn't let us down. (Okay, they did, ;-). They really let themselves down. Really, really.

Oh, here's a thought, maybe I can bill them?

"That'll be $1,040 please! Tips included".

"Sorry? Are you sure you didn't make mistake?"

"No no, that's correct right there sir. It was $130 per person".

"Oh, really?"

Yah, really.

But, money was the last thing on our minds.

Hmm...

The Surprising Sister-in-Law

I have had a mixed-bag relationship with this sister-in-law (SIL) of mine for sometime, and was definitely not impressed with some of her rather interesting carry-ons in the lead up to wedding.

Two months before the wedding, my partner and I decided to hold a conversation with my mother about the possibility of perhaps changing the date of the wedding. Her reaction was, to say the least, enlightening and interesting. I love the word "interesting", it can emote such variant meanings. Anyhow, my mother's reaction deserves another post. In fact, my relationship with my mother deserves a whole other blog. I'm sure most people would agree. Hehe... This post is about the SIL.

Anyhow, as we gently (and I mean, gently!) tried to communicate to my mother our reasons for wanting to change the date, she stood up wildly, began to cry and in between sobs told my SIL to "deal with her". Her meaning me. Mother then went to the adjoining room to compose herself. The following are, verbatim, my SIL's first words to me:

"Just don't upset her anymore. You don't understand your mother like I do. We have a special relationship... your mother and I we share the same language, the same culture..."

After which she gave me a wink while placing a finger on her pursed lips, signifying that I refrain from further reply, lest, I suppose, I aggravate the situation further! 

I was so astounded by my SIL's behaviour (and absolutely gobsmacked by mother's!) that for the first time in my life, I found myself absolutely and utterly speechless. I was gobsmacked! 

I have often put down mine and my SIL's communication issues to a cultural and language barrier. English isn't her first language, nor her second,  which is all fine and good until she has to deal with others (namely members of her own family). Then there's this odd culturally specific reference (ie, a custom) by which she abides and expects her younger in-laws to abide by. That is, being older than me, she expects that I heed her advice, among other things, and give her unmerited respect. This last thing doesn't sit so well with my western Anglo-Protestant upbringing. In brief, we've had communication issues. This merits another post, perhaps, when I'm good and ready.

Having said all of that, my SIL is one of few people who surprised me the most during the wedding. She did a very nice thing. And being a person brought up to write thank you letters when a thank you letter is called for... when I found out what she had done, I risked getting into conflict territory and gave her a call. I actually hadn't had a phone conversation, or conversation full-stop, with her since...

What did she do? 

When she found out, thanks to my mother, that a whole table -  $130 per person! -  was going to be empty because of an 11th hour cancellation (literally, a cancellation on the morning of the wedding), she phoned her friends and got the number to fill that table.

(All this went on without my knowledge. Thankfully, in hindsight!).

Although neither my partner nor I knew the people who had replaced our original invitees, we appreciated my SIL's very good deed. Firstly, that table would have been empty. Secondly, the reception venue would not have refunded at such late notice. We appreciated that at least the money did not go completely to waste. Thirdly, that table would have been empty! Have I already mentioned that? Well, it was really imperative for appearance's sake that no tables were empty. I suppose. In spite of our giddy states that evening, an empty table would have been blatantly obvious.

Speaking of giddy states, my partner and I never actually even noticed the absence of our missing guests (one entire family gone AWOL!) that evening. We simply assumed that each time we walked by their table, they'd gone out for a toilet break or a fag.

Hmm... what we did take note of is the presence of folks we'd never met yet appeared to be very chummy with my SIL. We simply assumed that they had gate-crashed. Because it was a special event for us, we let it go. Thankfully! Otherwise, we would have found out that one entire family who "had to be invited"  had ditched us without rhyme or reason.

Cheers to the SIL who did a very nice thing!

(I'm going to have to put this up in light of her other interesting turns). ;-)

The Reader Who Came Drunk Deserves A Mention

At least that's how I'd like to remember it.

I'm actually being very kind to her by saying that she came drunk. ;-) I don't actually believe she came to the wedding inebriated. Be that as it may, her behaviour befitted somebody who might as well have been drunk, or on some kind of a downer of sorts.

Luckily for me, I was too busy enjoying the most expensive party I've ever hosted to have noticed any of her attention-seeking, un-lady like adventures on the day. I noticed a certain haughtiness, sure, but I've known her since high school. She's the kind of girl who likes to be the star attraction.  

Why not? you might say. Well, I believe that psychoanalysts might have something to say about that. If there happens to be a roomful of girls and she isn't the one everybody's fawning over, there's going to be some major sulking and heavy duty reflection afterwards. She'll blog about it. You've been warned! Hehe...

I felt terrible when told about her look-at-me gaffs. If her intention was to cause me some discomfort or consternation, she had terrible timing. I was far too busy with other cares on the day.

Here's some of her i-know-i'm-not-the-bride-but-look-at-me gaffs:

(1) wore white

(2) turned up late to the ceremony for which, BTW!, she was a reader, then proceeded to ask people if they would take over her reading because she didn't feel like it (or some such nonsense)

(3) launched into some kind of mind-f**cking game with her then boyfriend at the reception while ripping open her wedding favor then began munching away on the almonds. When she got to the last piece cried out "here you go A, you have that, I don't want the fertility almond..."
 
And so on. 

Priceless.

I feel pity for the mother who brought her up. Some folks might just think her  daughter's selfishness, uncouthness and self-obssessed vapidness are her fault.

Hmm...

You've got to have a good laugh.

PS:
(I feel for for my good friend who made those cute favors as a wedding present for us. They didn't deserve such an ungraceful end at the hands of a silicone-implanted out-of-control attention-seeking hag).

Things I love About Weddings

These are 3 things I love about weddings:

(1) It's a celebration of love

(2) It's a public declaration of your place and aspirations in the world

(3) It usually involves a big party and a really swanky holiday afterwards

Also, you usually gets lots and lots of gifts. Plus if you're really lucky, these just might be gifts you're going to love to have around for the next twenty years. 

Here are 3 things which complicate those 3 things above:

(1) It involves children and families

(2) It involves friends who will be as annoying as possible, give their unwanted opinion on everything and then lose it completely by acting out on the day. Here's a related blog about the annoying friend.

(3) It involves dealing with businesses who think "wedding" means "fleecing"

Again, I'd like to stress that I'm not down on weddings and although I'm as baffled as anything that I actually got married, I support what, in essence, it represents.  (!) I also believe that you can be with someone for the rest of your life and have a fulfilling and happy life without getting married.

My number one pet peeve about a "wedding" is that some people really confuse it with the "marriage". Sometimes, unfortunately, these same people are your friends and family. For me, the only thing our wedding has to do with with our marriage is that, for the purposes of anniversaries, our wedding date is our wedding day anniversary.

For all intents and purposes, I consider my marriage to have begun when I decided to commit myself to this person and we began to work towards common goals together. This happened three years before we contemplated hosting a wedding. Hmm...

The aunt who likes to take center stage

Everytime, all the time.

I really must take my hat off to an aunt of mine who loves, loves, loves to take center stage whenever, wherever and however. To her defence, she does come with a family disclaimer. Mother warned me early on in life that attention-loving aunt has been that way since they were young girls. So what? She's old, she should get over it! Most of us get over our childhood guises, why can't she? 

Aunt does not like being outshone, outdone and ousted from the queen bee pole, even if just for a day. Even on somebody else's wedding day. She will do everything in her power to make it known that the world revolves around her. Brace yourself should you forget this elementary truth!

Because I've grown up with her, and especially now that I'm more mature, I can sort of see the funny side of all of this. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are times when I so desperately want to tell her what for or hey lady, it's not your day! 

However (!), there is one golden rule in my family which perhaps helps to explain why look-at-me-aunt continues to behaves the way she does. I never understood why we have all blindly obeyed this rule since time immemorial. The rule is simple: absolutely no one, no matter the circumstance, must say or do anything to upset her. It is therefore fear of familial ostracisation that hinders me from giving her a piece of my mind. 


Instead, I blog about it. This way I get to vent without jeopardising the incredibly fragile ecosystem of my family. Hmm...


My aunt travelled from abroad to attend my wedding which is something she also did for my cousin's wedding and is about to do for my brother's . For my cousin's wedding, she insisted on paying for the flowers and attire for some of the bridal party. An absolutely generous gesture (!) since she had already spent a bit for international airfares and hotel accommodation just to be there for the wedding.

Then it started. 

You see my aunt is a generous person in lots of ways, especially when it comes to gift-giving, but with her gifts come strings. One of these is the right to comment. When I say right to comment, I mean the right to meddle in aspects of life of the person who is the current beneficiary of her generosity. This is what aunt actually goes about doing. For the most part, it's harmless but then it gets very tiring very quickly.

First came comments about the quality of the flowers. She wondered out loud why the bride's family did not host a welcome party for her when she arrived. Then she let it be known that she was very unhappy that the couple hadn't taken her out on the town. Mind you, she had arrived just one week before the wedding when, understandably, the couple probably had more pressing things going on. My mother who had also flown in from overseas to attend had to nurse her sister's wounded attention-seeking ego. 

What really sticks to me about aunt's antics during my cousin's wedding was her expressing disappointment about the church (she was part of the bridal party): "had I known that the aisle I'd be marching down such a short aisle, I wouldn't have worn a less expensive dress".

Yeah, exactly.

For my own wedding, my aunt had heard that I didn't want chair covers. They have always kind of freaked me out a little bit and I've never been overly fond of them.  When she heard, thanks to my anxious mother, that I  wasn't going to have chair covers, she told my mother to tell me that she would pay for them, adding that it wouldn't be a wedding without chair covers. Of course I thought this was complete BS but being a people pleaser (very, very sad  fact but true), I not only relented but declared that I would pay for them myself. Although I felt it was a waste of money, it wasn't as if it was going to stretch me.

Knowing my family's politics as I do, paying for everything for my wedding was the best tactical move I'd made in a long time. I said, sure, I'm going to incorporate your wishes because you're my relative and I respect you but because I'm paying, you rescind the right to further meddle, kapiz? 

Then she asked my mother to ask me when my future mother-in-law (FMIL) would be hosting a lunch or dinner party in her honour.  I don't think she understood that she wasn't actually a member of my immediate family and so my FMIL was under no obligation to do such a thing. I tried to explain this to her, to no avail of course. She said that she had come all the way, and if my FMIL hosted a lunch for my parents, why not for her and her husband? 


Why not, indeed?

Etcetera, etc, etc...

One of the first things  aunt asked me upon her arrival was who would be doing her hair and make up on the day. I'm sorry? was my bemused reaction. Come again? I didn't realise you were getting married! Then the little voice inside started to laugh. She didn't want to know who would be doing the bride's makeup. Oh no, she wanted to know who was doing hers. OMG! This lady's really something.

At 11:30 am of the wedding day, my aunt and mother turn up outside my hotel room to get their make-up done with me.  Mother goes first, gets her hair and make-up in under an hour. She wanted an updo. Fine, she's the mother of the bride. Then aunt takes her seat. She choses to have a fairly elaborate up-do as well which with the make-up takes an hour. It's already 1:30 pm. The wedding is at 4pm. My bridesmaid arrives with some sushi for lunch.
Around about now aunt decides that she would like a different hairstyle. So fine, the hairstylist redoes her hair. When she was finished, it was already 2:30 and neither myself nor my bridesmaid have had our hair or make-up done. And to think (no offence aunt) we were going to be the most photographed women that day. 

I wonder if my aunt had thought about me or my bridesmaid  at all? That we were actually a little bit more important than her on that day? Or that her niece, who had never thought she would get married, was actually bracing herself for the single most  significant (and stressful) social event of her life?

You've got to just have a good laugh and a glass or red.

The Sister-in-Law Who Complains: Before, During and After

What to do about the sister-in-law who complains before, during and after the wedding? I stumbled on this post and realised how ridiculous the whole thing was. It's nice to be validated, especially when one has gone through some kind of traumatic event such as wedding planning. 

For the reception, my partner and I sat my sister-in-law in a table filled with her first cousins from out of town. She complained during the reception (thankfully not to us) that she thought her own cousins were a boring bunch. Hmm... The day after, when we went to my mother-in-law's for lunch, she made it known that we could have done better with the seating planning. Mind you, this was just before we headed off to our honeymoon. If not for my partner who assured me not to worry it because it had been his responsibility to seat his family appropriately, I would've gone into anxiety-mode. 

In hindsight, I think that it was completely tactless and wrong for her to whine. She's an accomplished and successful lawyer who was raised in a privileged environment  immersed in the observance of social etiquette. Ah, that was a mouthful! Hehe... My point is that she should have known to behave better. I'm supposed to be the one who behaves clumsily, erratically and inappropriately. Because I hadn't had the same privileged upbringing. Yet, as time passes, and after having had the opportunity to live in different parts of the world, I'm finding this observation holds less and less verity.

This sister-in-law also complained about the music (which I chose and loved!), and God knows what else. Being the person that I am - anxious, wanting to please - I tried my best to accommodate every directive that I could humanly accommodate during the wedding. If she chose not to enjoy herself, it was her fault completely. It was her choice! That's right, folks, wedding guests, invitees, etc, you have a choice as to whether or not you're going to enjoy yourself. This is true for life, it's true for weddings!

My response: Other people had lots of fun. They thought it was a terrific night. So there!

She also whinged about some spelling mistakes or other in the church programs, saying she had to make up a great portion of her reading. Sure, okay, there were misprints but not enough for her to have to divine a whole section of the Bible.

Hmm...

No "thank you for the honour of choosing me as your reader". No "congratulations on your wedding". No "you look nice" (even if just to be polite). Nada!

You've got to have a good laugh.