The reader who came drunk deserves a mention.
As I sat in my apartment writing thank you letters, I realized that beyond the conventional gifts and attendances, I had the wedding to thank for so much more.
More than the ability to gather together close family and friends to support me in what was a major decision in my life. I never thought I would host a wedding, thinking myself already very much committed and past all that a participating in a conventional wedding represents.
More than the ability to throw a (lets-face-it ) not very fiscally responsible one day party which took months of preparation. (To my mind), If I did do the "wedding thing", I somehow envisioned it happening quietly, with my partner and myself jetting off to the Maldives or the Swiss Alps, accompanied by two of our best friends. Quel rêve!
I'm careful not to replace "wedding" with "married". I know it's a bit clunky to say "host a wedding" instead of "get married" but the distinction is very important to me.
I had the wedding to thank for such a pivotal development in my personal relationships.
I came to the conclusion that I had outgrown some friendships, and perhaps, too, they had outgrown me. I suppose you could that say that if I had only been open to this sooner, I would have done something about it. It seemed that what the wedding did was to illuminate issues that had existed for quite some time yet I was either too complacent or too cowardly to confront.
As I struggled to write my thank you letter to one of the readers, I accepted that her selfish attention-grabbing games on the wedding day was just a feature of her personality. I also (finally!) resigned myself to the fact that she'd behaved that way at other times. At the same time, I realized that I don't have to be around for any of that any more.
Because, (OMG!), this isn't high school anymore. Because life's too short. And you know what? I'm just going to give this one a miss, thanks. I've already paid my dues. And oh OMG, I'm too old to take that kind of BS!
Again why the post-wedding blog?
My wedding brought out into the open a veritable minefield of unresolved issues about my personal relationships. I'm sure that some of these things were always around but only got the attention they deserved during that emotionally-intense time. I realised that there were many crucial things about my relationships that I had chosen to ignore for a very long time, things that I could no longer continue to ignore.
In short, the wedding wasn't merely a materially expensive rite of passage, it was an important cathartic event in my life.
After the drunken and giddy celebrations and the honeymoon, I found myself sitting in my small apartment scribbling thank you letters. It was at that moment that I realised the wedding was going to change my life, but not in the way one would ever expect a wedding to do. It wasn't going to change my financial means, or spiritual well-being, and or social status (other than perhaps the fact that I became entitled to use my husband's last name).
What it did was to focus on the substance - the quality - of my friendships and my familial relationships. In doing this, I somehow achieved a sense of clarity about which relationships needed nurturing and work, and which ones needed to be let go. It was this last thing that sent me to a very lengthy post-wedding self-reflection when I found myself harmonising a sense of peace and a very real and painful sadness.
I am an extremely loyal person. "Like Bertie the dog", an ex-boyfriend once said. (Sounds 'bitchy' I know but trust me he meant it as a loving compliment, and excuse the pun). I don't have problems discarding material belongings but letting go of people, of human relationships is something I have never consciously done.
So the post-wedding blog began.
In short, the wedding wasn't merely a materially expensive rite of passage, it was an important cathartic event in my life.
After the drunken and giddy celebrations and the honeymoon, I found myself sitting in my small apartment scribbling thank you letters. It was at that moment that I realised the wedding was going to change my life, but not in the way one would ever expect a wedding to do. It wasn't going to change my financial means, or spiritual well-being, and or social status (other than perhaps the fact that I became entitled to use my husband's last name).
What it did was to focus on the substance - the quality - of my friendships and my familial relationships. In doing this, I somehow achieved a sense of clarity about which relationships needed nurturing and work, and which ones needed to be let go. It was this last thing that sent me to a very lengthy post-wedding self-reflection when I found myself harmonising a sense of peace and a very real and painful sadness.
I am an extremely loyal person. "Like Bertie the dog", an ex-boyfriend once said. (Sounds 'bitchy' I know but trust me he meant it as a loving compliment, and excuse the pun). I don't have problems discarding material belongings but letting go of people, of human relationships is something I have never consciously done.
So the post-wedding blog began.
The Aunt Who Rang To Ask For Money
For as long as I can remember, money has been an issue in my family.
Acknowledgement: it is a fact that money is an issue with most families.
In my family, money is an ISSUE.
I grew up very mindful of the various heartaches that lack of money wreaks on people's lives. I was surrounded by vastly unhappy adults, mothers/fathers/uncles/aunts/cousins, who chose to let their lack diminish their reception of the great possibilities for creating happiness. I coveted the good fortunes of better-off friends, their fancy schools, exotic holidays and lovely glossy clothes.
Most of all, I grew up wanting to ESCAPE the unhappy coven of my money-starved, and by consequence, money-obssessed blood relations. I grew up resenting them for continuously choosing to mire their perceptions and judgements in murky negatives, of basing their reception of experiences on lack instead of opportunity.
In short, I grew up wanting out of my family.
Happily, (and entirely by design of course!), I've managed to keep at the safest possible distance from these unhappy souls, some of whom continue to choose to be unhappy. And in case you're wondering, NO, they're not hobos or hillbillies (don't you just love these words?) who live on rations or government support or ghettoes. They're an educated, middle-class bunch who've taken issue with the fact that the weren't born to money (like the rest of the world!) and that, at certain periods, they've had to work themselves to the bones to survive in this dog eat dog economy.
And so...
I was a little taken aback when just a few weeks after the wedding, I received a phone call from another of my aunts. She said that she was, as usual, short on dosh, and would I give her some so that she could throw her daughter a graduation bash at their favourite restaurant? She said it would be such a terrible pity if she couldn't do that for her one and only child.
"Excuse me?!!"
My partner and I received neither phone call nor letter from her to congratulate us on our wedding or to at least wish us luck (and don't we all need it?!). We didn't particularly mind as she is fairly self-absorbed and tend not to be very mindful of what's goes on around her in general. We didn't mind...
BUT...
When I got the phone call asking me for money, without so much as an enquiry into how the wedding fared (maybe something like, "did everything go well?"), I sort of began to mind. My partner minded very much. Then I really started to mind.
Then I got very upset.
This is how it's been on that side of my family for as long as I can remember. They're a little bit autistic. A reasonable reasoned individual might say to him or herself: "um, it's probably not very appropriate for me to ask these guys for money because they've just hosted a wedding, and also because they might be a little ticked that I didn't even bother to send them a card".
One would think, huh?
I haven't spoken to that aunt since, and I'm not exactly sure I want to anytime soon.
Acknowledgement: it is a fact that money is an issue with most families.
In my family, money is an ISSUE.
I grew up very mindful of the various heartaches that lack of money wreaks on people's lives. I was surrounded by vastly unhappy adults, mothers/fathers/uncles/aunts/cousins, who chose to let their lack diminish their reception of the great possibilities for creating happiness. I coveted the good fortunes of better-off friends, their fancy schools, exotic holidays and lovely glossy clothes.
Most of all, I grew up wanting to ESCAPE the unhappy coven of my money-starved, and by consequence, money-obssessed blood relations. I grew up resenting them for continuously choosing to mire their perceptions and judgements in murky negatives, of basing their reception of experiences on lack instead of opportunity.
In short, I grew up wanting out of my family.
Happily, (and entirely by design of course!), I've managed to keep at the safest possible distance from these unhappy souls, some of whom continue to choose to be unhappy. And in case you're wondering, NO, they're not hobos or hillbillies (don't you just love these words?) who live on rations or government support or ghettoes. They're an educated, middle-class bunch who've taken issue with the fact that the weren't born to money (like the rest of the world!) and that, at certain periods, they've had to work themselves to the bones to survive in this dog eat dog economy.
And so...
I was a little taken aback when just a few weeks after the wedding, I received a phone call from another of my aunts. She said that she was, as usual, short on dosh, and would I give her some so that she could throw her daughter a graduation bash at their favourite restaurant? She said it would be such a terrible pity if she couldn't do that for her one and only child.
"Excuse me?!!"
My partner and I received neither phone call nor letter from her to congratulate us on our wedding or to at least wish us luck (and don't we all need it?!). We didn't particularly mind as she is fairly self-absorbed and tend not to be very mindful of what's goes on around her in general. We didn't mind...
BUT...
When I got the phone call asking me for money, without so much as an enquiry into how the wedding fared (maybe something like, "did everything go well?"), I sort of began to mind. My partner minded very much. Then I really started to mind.
Then I got very upset.
This is how it's been on that side of my family for as long as I can remember. They're a little bit autistic. A reasonable reasoned individual might say to him or herself: "um, it's probably not very appropriate for me to ask these guys for money because they've just hosted a wedding, and also because they might be a little ticked that I didn't even bother to send them a card".
One would think, huh?
I haven't spoken to that aunt since, and I'm not exactly sure I want to anytime soon.
Classic Response No. 1 to Your Engagement Announcement: "you picked the blackest day..."
What would you say if you went to tell your future mother-in-law (MIL) that you and her son had decided to get engaged and this is what she said:
"Why, that's nice, but you picked the blackest day..."
Hmm...
Nothing. What can you say? Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones, my grandfather used to say.
Just grin and bear it. it's probably her sentiment (overwhelming her) over losing out to another girl (and chikas can be right bitches to one another some times, a fact that is really very, very sad indeed for the world at large!). That's how I resolved the episode of "tell the FMIL today that we're planning a wedding". I'm sure there'll be other times, other unguarded moments between us in future that will be just as (ouch!), just as awkward, just as "WTF?".
Sure some MIL's (like some other people in your life) are, quite simply, something else. Then you'd need to get the heck out or jump ship. But the majority of mother-in-laws are just regular women with their own emotional baggage, regular women no different from the women in their sons and daughters' lives. Except for the sex.
Here is my mother-in-law mantra:
She is doing her absolute best to get along with me and with other people in spite of her prejudices and limitations, just as I am trying to do.
She is doing her absolute best to live her life the way it turned out in spite of fallen dreams and ongoing concern for her loved-ones, just as I am trying to do.
She is human, faulty at best and fragile always, vulnerable to all elements, just as I am, a woman just like me. Underneath it all, we share the simplest, most universal hope: that life will be kind.
Nothing. What can you say? Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones, my grandfather used to say.
Just grin and bear it. it's probably her sentiment (overwhelming her) over losing out to another girl (and chikas can be right bitches to one another some times, a fact that is really very, very sad indeed for the world at large!). That's how I resolved the episode of "tell the FMIL today that we're planning a wedding". I'm sure there'll be other times, other unguarded moments between us in future that will be just as (ouch!), just as awkward, just as "WTF?".
Sure some MIL's (like some other people in your life) are, quite simply, something else. Then you'd need to get the heck out or jump ship. But the majority of mother-in-laws are just regular women with their own emotional baggage, regular women no different from the women in their sons and daughters' lives. Except for the sex.
Here is my mother-in-law mantra:
She is doing her absolute best to get along with me and with other people in spite of her prejudices and limitations, just as I am trying to do.
She is doing her absolute best to live her life the way it turned out in spite of fallen dreams and ongoing concern for her loved-ones, just as I am trying to do.
She is human, faulty at best and fragile always, vulnerable to all elements, just as I am, a woman just like me. Underneath it all, we share the simplest, most universal hope: that life will be kind.
Previous post continued: why Auntie May feels its hers, too
Previously, I waxed on about my poor friend who was manhandled/guilt-tripped/emotionally-blackmailed into hosting a larger than life wedding with half-a-thousand guest. She had wished for a more intimate gathering of roughly 100-150 people. Instead, she and her partner found themselves surrounded by people who were perhaps just as bewildered as they were to be in the same room on a startlingly bright, sunshine-y day (even for good ol' Sydney).
I'd love to share the details, go all pic-porn heavy, but this blog isn't about that. There are gazillions of blogs replete with smashing pictures, tips and how to's, of which I'm a fan! However, this blog is about something else. It's about the internal wheel, the ruminations, the contemplation. I'm basking in some peace and reprieve from our image-saturated society, though online (and even online).
When one of my husband's sisters got married in early 2003, we were treated to a spectacle of old world charm (as much as anything can be old world in Sydney) and contemporary affluence. You knew it was expensive, but it wasn't pretentious/tacky/showy. Comfy, not tossy. You knew they'd been doing this sort of thing for a long time.
The venue was appropriately picturesque yet relaxed. Catering was provided by one of Sydney's top function caterers and the sommelier matched each superb dish to a fantastic selection of wines. As for me, I went out with the champagne.
By the time we were seated and the first course was laid in front of my gaudily awful pink dress (WTF was I thinking? really? ouch!), I had (apparently) already propositioned one of the older aunts to something which would have ended in my being invited to her holiday home. And she was not amused! I of course have no recollection of any of this.
The event was a glowing success.
Bride was the picture of WASP comportment in a custom-made bias-cut silk creation, its only embellishment an heirloom pearl and diamond brooch which highlighted abundant cleavage. Groom was, of course, suitably tall, dark and very handsome, and had made quite a name for himself as a lawyer about town. Eat your heart out ladies! End of story.
No, not quite...
Behind all of the gag-making gloss was Auntie May's constant meddling, manouevres and excited interventions. The bride wanted flowers, lots of flowers. And why not? Her budget was generous.
Enter Auntie May.
"Oh no, it's absolutely not done these days to have masses of flowers. Think of the waste. Think of the environment. Think of what people will think."
Aha! Think of what people will think. So the bride thought and thought some more and ditched the idea.
When Auntie May heard that the bride was considering a traditional 3-tier wedding cake --shock horror! the bride wanting cake on her wedding day!-- she was off again.
"I had a 3-tier cake for my wedding, and believe you-me, it went to waste. Who has that these days? It'll be such a waste! Think of what people will think."
So the bride thought and thought some more and ditched the idea.
That Auntie May really did some dream-wedding damage there. Funny old bitch.
So you're thinking, she's the bride. She was in control there. She could have told Auntie May to stick-it and mind her own. You'd be right, of course. But you'd also be wrong.
This is exactly why families are such bastards to get inside of, to make heads or tails of, to make peace with.
Auntie May is a respected older member of a close-knit extended family. She's been around for a long time. People listen to her when she speaks, heed her advice and generally make nice with her. So, when she says insanely old-fashioned things like "think of what other people will think", even sophisticated new-world brides take a moment, then another and then another to get their bearings. Surely Auntie May knows what best, right?
The bride might have thought that if she ignored Auntie May's advice, she would regret it for the rest of her married life. The bride might have thought that Auntie May's done so well in her own life that surely she can't be touched when it comes to cakes and flowers. The bride might have thought that Auntie May would get really upset and upset the whole familial balance.
It's all about maintaining the familial harmony, right? If you can help it, you ought. Can't have anybody as respected as Auntie May be upset during the wedding now, can we?
I have absolutely no idea what the bride thought, it's all conjecture, but I'm sure it's pretty good conjecture.
Auntie May might have thought she was campaigning for her family's reputation as old-society types who don't go around showing-off their bank balances because "only those new to money get all giddy like that". She might have thought "how dreadful" if she didn't say anything to guide her niece in the right direction. Or, Auntie May might really have just been thinking that she didn't want to be in yet another wedding with "too many cakes and flowers flying about everywhere".
I've absolutely no idea what Auntie May was actually thinking, especially as it was some time ago now. But I think I'm on the right track here.
So for all the Auntie Mays out there, please just back off, because we love you and we don't want to hurt you, but we will if we have to.
I'd love to share the details, go all pic-porn heavy, but this blog isn't about that. There are gazillions of blogs replete with smashing pictures, tips and how to's, of which I'm a fan! However, this blog is about something else. It's about the internal wheel, the ruminations, the contemplation. I'm basking in some peace and reprieve from our image-saturated society, though online (and even online).
When one of my husband's sisters got married in early 2003, we were treated to a spectacle of old world charm (as much as anything can be old world in Sydney) and contemporary affluence. You knew it was expensive, but it wasn't pretentious/tacky/showy. Comfy, not tossy. You knew they'd been doing this sort of thing for a long time.
The venue was appropriately picturesque yet relaxed. Catering was provided by one of Sydney's top function caterers and the sommelier matched each superb dish to a fantastic selection of wines. As for me, I went out with the champagne.
By the time we were seated and the first course was laid in front of my gaudily awful pink dress (WTF was I thinking? really? ouch!), I had (apparently) already propositioned one of the older aunts to something which would have ended in my being invited to her holiday home. And she was not amused! I of course have no recollection of any of this.
The event was a glowing success.
Bride was the picture of WASP comportment in a custom-made bias-cut silk creation, its only embellishment an heirloom pearl and diamond brooch which highlighted abundant cleavage. Groom was, of course, suitably tall, dark and very handsome, and had made quite a name for himself as a lawyer about town. Eat your heart out ladies! End of story.
No, not quite...
Behind all of the gag-making gloss was Auntie May's constant meddling, manouevres and excited interventions. The bride wanted flowers, lots of flowers. And why not? Her budget was generous.
Enter Auntie May.
"Oh no, it's absolutely not done these days to have masses of flowers. Think of the waste. Think of the environment. Think of what people will think."
Aha! Think of what people will think. So the bride thought and thought some more and ditched the idea.
When Auntie May heard that the bride was considering a traditional 3-tier wedding cake --shock horror! the bride wanting cake on her wedding day!-- she was off again.
"I had a 3-tier cake for my wedding, and believe you-me, it went to waste. Who has that these days? It'll be such a waste! Think of what people will think."
So the bride thought and thought some more and ditched the idea.
That Auntie May really did some dream-wedding damage there. Funny old bitch.
So you're thinking, she's the bride. She was in control there. She could have told Auntie May to stick-it and mind her own. You'd be right, of course. But you'd also be wrong.
This is exactly why families are such bastards to get inside of, to make heads or tails of, to make peace with.
Auntie May is a respected older member of a close-knit extended family. She's been around for a long time. People listen to her when she speaks, heed her advice and generally make nice with her. So, when she says insanely old-fashioned things like "think of what other people will think", even sophisticated new-world brides take a moment, then another and then another to get their bearings. Surely Auntie May knows what best, right?
The bride might have thought that if she ignored Auntie May's advice, she would regret it for the rest of her married life. The bride might have thought that Auntie May's done so well in her own life that surely she can't be touched when it comes to cakes and flowers. The bride might have thought that Auntie May would get really upset and upset the whole familial balance.
It's all about maintaining the familial harmony, right? If you can help it, you ought. Can't have anybody as respected as Auntie May be upset during the wedding now, can we?
I have absolutely no idea what the bride thought, it's all conjecture, but I'm sure it's pretty good conjecture.
Auntie May might have thought she was campaigning for her family's reputation as old-society types who don't go around showing-off their bank balances because "only those new to money get all giddy like that". She might have thought "how dreadful" if she didn't say anything to guide her niece in the right direction. Or, Auntie May might really have just been thinking that she didn't want to be in yet another wedding with "too many cakes and flowers flying about everywhere".
I've absolutely no idea what Auntie May was actually thinking, especially as it was some time ago now. But I think I'm on the right track here.
So for all the Auntie Mays out there, please just back off, because we love you and we don't want to hurt you, but we will if we have to.
Why parents feel it's their wedding, too: the short response
Why does a wedding bring out the worse in families?
There are obviously no cut and dried answers. My proposition is this. Whereas friends (well, at least the majority of them) know that it's your day, that it's about you, and that they are there as your support crew, families feel that your wedding is just as much about them, too.
Your wedding is your family's wedding, too. I know this from my own experience. After lengthy reflection, I realise that this conclusion also holds true for other weddings I've attended and been involved in.
A very good friend of mine got married in 2005. Her wedding was witnessed by 500 guests. A grand wedding that seemed even larger than life given that it was held in Sydney. Most Australian weddings peak at around 120-130 guests. Of her demi-thousand guests, she only knew 100 to 150 personally, with whom she had contact on a sufficiently regular basis during the course of a year. The rest were her parents' and her in-laws' guests.
She lamented that she had felt manhandled into accommodating such a large number. In the end, she felt that she owed it to both sets of parents, especially to hers, whose tearful entreaties about "the family's reputation" and "lose of face" really sobered up whatever opposition she had. She didn't want to be the daughter who sent her ageing parents to intensive care.
"They are usually such reasonable and loving parents", she told us. It seemed that her reasonable and loving parents had temporarily abandoned their parental hats to become, over the course of this special event, show ponies. For a time, they were no longer her parents as much as they were social butterflies who had a set agenda about maintaining this reputation. They felt that their standing in the community was weightier than the significance of that day for their daughter.
To them, she became again a child, and not this well-adjusted successful career-woman. Perhaps the fact of this anticipated social ritual, this wedding, community-centric as it is, simply magnified how they really saw her, how they would always see her. A child still, their child, a product of their aspirations, a ward in their care. And by jove, she couldn't possibly know what was best for her. They knew! They were her parents after all!
There are obviously no cut and dried answers. My proposition is this. Whereas friends (well, at least the majority of them) know that it's your day, that it's about you, and that they are there as your support crew, families feel that your wedding is just as much about them, too.
Your wedding is your family's wedding, too. I know this from my own experience. After lengthy reflection, I realise that this conclusion also holds true for other weddings I've attended and been involved in.
A very good friend of mine got married in 2005. Her wedding was witnessed by 500 guests. A grand wedding that seemed even larger than life given that it was held in Sydney. Most Australian weddings peak at around 120-130 guests. Of her demi-thousand guests, she only knew 100 to 150 personally, with whom she had contact on a sufficiently regular basis during the course of a year. The rest were her parents' and her in-laws' guests.
She lamented that she had felt manhandled into accommodating such a large number. In the end, she felt that she owed it to both sets of parents, especially to hers, whose tearful entreaties about "the family's reputation" and "lose of face" really sobered up whatever opposition she had. She didn't want to be the daughter who sent her ageing parents to intensive care.
"They are usually such reasonable and loving parents", she told us. It seemed that her reasonable and loving parents had temporarily abandoned their parental hats to become, over the course of this special event, show ponies. For a time, they were no longer her parents as much as they were social butterflies who had a set agenda about maintaining this reputation. They felt that their standing in the community was weightier than the significance of that day for their daughter.
To them, she became again a child, and not this well-adjusted successful career-woman. Perhaps the fact of this anticipated social ritual, this wedding, community-centric as it is, simply magnified how they really saw her, how they would always see her. A child still, their child, a product of their aspirations, a ward in their care. And by jove, she couldn't possibly know what was best for her. They knew! They were her parents after all!
AWOL at the 11th-hour: the special case of the no-show invitees
In my previous post, I unburdened my bemusement/stupefaction/concern (wink) at some of my SIL's antics and our communication issues. Our relationship has - thank God! - evolved into something characterised by a comfortable distance of forced (or refined) politesse.
I like the present status quo. Believe me, if you knew what it was like before, you'd agree! We only see each other at family get-togethers. It's safe to say that there's a certain kind of peace that comes from suppressing what you really feel about certain members of your clan. More useful things get done.
"Why can't people just get along?" you might ask.
My response to this is "yes we can!".
People can just get along. In our case, it's superficial, sure, but heck I don't have to sleep with the woman and she definitely ain't moving into my place anytime soon!
Family can do such surprising things. So can dentists I suppose, but you can change your dentist, not so much family. Family requires such care. You're stuck with them, and sometimes this ain't exactly for the best. It's just how the dice rolls, the card falls, etc. This SIL (I've got 5 from both sides) certainly surprised me during the wedding. Thank you!
The wedding was a big deal to me (and to my partner of course :-) for the same fundamental reasons that other people's weddings are important to them. Fundamentally, a wedding is about a celebration of finding love (quelle chance dans tout le monde!), it's about a public declaration (yes even intimate destination elopements!), and it's about the various accoutrements & paraphernalias (costumes, adornments, food, etc). And oh, of course, of course, it's about family, whether it be your new-urban family, or your old-fashioned nuclear one.
Regardless of how "unique" or "offbeat" or "alternative" you might think you are, these are the fundamentals of why a wedding is a big deal.
Having explained why a wedding is a big deal, it's easy to understand why the hosts/bridal couple might be more than a little peeved when certain invitees decide they're not going to turn up at the 11th hour!
In this case, on the morning of the wedding. In this case, all from one family. In this case, all from my extended family.
What's more, there was no life threatening excuse nor even an actual reason beyond "we're no longer able to make it". That was it. "We're no longer able to make it."
Interesting.
I wonder what their reaction would've been if I had written to them, after I had sent the invite, that "we're no longer able to invite you".
WTF? HUGELY INCOVENIENT is WTF is it!
(And) I mean inconvenient in a similar sense to when you're put on hold for 20 minutes by a call-centre help desk while you're on your cell phone. Inconvenient like in that similar sense but times by a factor of gee, I dunno, one thousand stress boiling points.
Ah, it's not worth it.
It goes without saying that, yes, we could have invited a whole table full of people in their place if they had done the most considerate thing and said "no we can't make it we don't give a f**k about you two!" Fine, that would have been perfectly fine with both myself and my partner.
We could've invited 4 sets of loved-up couples, friends who would've been more than happy to celebrate with us, to enjoy the free sit-down dinner and unlimited booze (and it was good people!), to support us on what was, and is, a very important day.
As it was, my partner (now husband), usually exceedingly patient, thought that my entire family had taken leave of their senses and were absolute philistines totally clueless about the basic rules of social intercourse.
I am to this day embarrassed by their behaviour. They didn't let us down. (Okay, they did, ;-). They really let themselves down. Really, really.
Oh, here's a thought, maybe I can bill them?
"That'll be $1,040 please! Tips included".
"Sorry? Are you sure you didn't make mistake?"
"No no, that's correct right there sir. It was $130 per person".
"Oh, really?"
Yah, really.
But, money was the last thing on our minds.
Hmm...
I like the present status quo. Believe me, if you knew what it was like before, you'd agree! We only see each other at family get-togethers. It's safe to say that there's a certain kind of peace that comes from suppressing what you really feel about certain members of your clan. More useful things get done.
"Why can't people just get along?" you might ask.
My response to this is "yes we can!".
People can just get along. In our case, it's superficial, sure, but heck I don't have to sleep with the woman and she definitely ain't moving into my place anytime soon!
Family can do such surprising things. So can dentists I suppose, but you can change your dentist, not so much family. Family requires such care. You're stuck with them, and sometimes this ain't exactly for the best. It's just how the dice rolls, the card falls, etc. This SIL (I've got 5 from both sides) certainly surprised me during the wedding. Thank you!
The wedding was a big deal to me (and to my partner of course :-) for the same fundamental reasons that other people's weddings are important to them. Fundamentally, a wedding is about a celebration of finding love (quelle chance dans tout le monde!), it's about a public declaration (yes even intimate destination elopements!), and it's about the various accoutrements & paraphernalias (costumes, adornments, food, etc). And oh, of course, of course, it's about family, whether it be your new-urban family, or your old-fashioned nuclear one.
Regardless of how "unique" or "offbeat" or "alternative" you might think you are, these are the fundamentals of why a wedding is a big deal.
Having explained why a wedding is a big deal, it's easy to understand why the hosts/bridal couple might be more than a little peeved when certain invitees decide they're not going to turn up at the 11th hour!
In this case, on the morning of the wedding. In this case, all from one family. In this case, all from my extended family.
What's more, there was no life threatening excuse nor even an actual reason beyond "we're no longer able to make it". That was it. "We're no longer able to make it."
Interesting.
I wonder what their reaction would've been if I had written to them, after I had sent the invite, that "we're no longer able to invite you".
WTF? HUGELY INCOVENIENT is WTF is it!
(And) I mean inconvenient in a similar sense to when you're put on hold for 20 minutes by a call-centre help desk while you're on your cell phone. Inconvenient like in that similar sense but times by a factor of gee, I dunno, one thousand stress boiling points.
Ah, it's not worth it.
It goes without saying that, yes, we could have invited a whole table full of people in their place if they had done the most considerate thing and said "no we can't make it we don't give a f**k about you two!" Fine, that would have been perfectly fine with both myself and my partner.
We could've invited 4 sets of loved-up couples, friends who would've been more than happy to celebrate with us, to enjoy the free sit-down dinner and unlimited booze (and it was good people!), to support us on what was, and is, a very important day.
As it was, my partner (now husband), usually exceedingly patient, thought that my entire family had taken leave of their senses and were absolute philistines totally clueless about the basic rules of social intercourse.
I am to this day embarrassed by their behaviour. They didn't let us down. (Okay, they did, ;-). They really let themselves down. Really, really.
Oh, here's a thought, maybe I can bill them?
"That'll be $1,040 please! Tips included".
"Sorry? Are you sure you didn't make mistake?"
"No no, that's correct right there sir. It was $130 per person".
"Oh, really?"
Yah, really.
But, money was the last thing on our minds.
Hmm...
The Surprising Sister-in-Law
I have had a mixed-bag relationship with this sister-in-law (SIL) of mine for sometime, and was definitely not impressed with some of her rather interesting carry-ons in the lead up to wedding.
Two months before the wedding, my partner and I decided to hold a conversation with my mother about the possibility of perhaps changing the date of the wedding. Her reaction was, to say the least, enlightening and interesting. I love the word "interesting", it can emote such variant meanings. Anyhow, my mother's reaction deserves another post. In fact, my relationship with my mother deserves a whole other blog. I'm sure most people would agree. Hehe... This post is about the SIL.
Anyhow, as we gently (and I mean, gently!) tried to communicate to my mother our reasons for wanting to change the date, she stood up wildly, began to cry and in between sobs told my SIL to "deal with her". Her meaning me. Mother then went to the adjoining room to compose herself. The following are, verbatim, my SIL's first words to me:
"Just don't upset her anymore. You don't understand your mother like I do. We have a special relationship... your mother and I we share the same language, the same culture..."
After which she gave me a wink while placing a finger on her pursed lips, signifying that I refrain from further reply, lest, I suppose, I aggravate the situation further!
I was so astounded by my SIL's behaviour (and absolutely gobsmacked by mother's!) that for the first time in my life, I found myself absolutely and utterly speechless. I was gobsmacked!
I have often put down mine and my SIL's communication issues to a cultural and language barrier. English isn't her first language, nor her second, which is all fine and good until she has to deal with others (namely members of her own family). Then there's this odd culturally specific reference (ie, a custom) by which she abides and expects her younger in-laws to abide by. That is, being older than me, she expects that I heed her advice, among other things, and give her unmerited respect. This last thing doesn't sit so well with my western Anglo-Protestant upbringing. In brief, we've had communication issues. This merits another post, perhaps, when I'm good and ready.
Having said all of that, my SIL is one of few people who surprised me the most during the wedding. She did a very nice thing. And being a person brought up to write thank you letters when a thank you letter is called for... when I found out what she had done, I risked getting into conflict territory and gave her a call. I actually hadn't had a phone conversation, or conversation full-stop, with her since...
What did she do?
When she found out, thanks to my mother, that a whole table - $130 per person! - was going to be empty because of an 11th hour cancellation (literally, a cancellation on the morning of the wedding), she phoned her friends and got the number to fill that table.
(All this went on without my knowledge. Thankfully, in hindsight!).
Although neither my partner nor I knew the people who had replaced our original invitees, we appreciated my SIL's very good deed. Firstly, that table would have been empty. Secondly, the reception venue would not have refunded at such late notice. We appreciated that at least the money did not go completely to waste. Thirdly, that table would have been empty! Have I already mentioned that? Well, it was really imperative for appearance's sake that no tables were empty. I suppose. In spite of our giddy states that evening, an empty table would have been blatantly obvious.
Speaking of giddy states, my partner and I never actually even noticed the absence of our missing guests (one entire family gone AWOL!) that evening. We simply assumed that each time we walked by their table, they'd gone out for a toilet break or a fag.
Hmm... what we did take note of is the presence of folks we'd never met yet appeared to be very chummy with my SIL. We simply assumed that they had gate-crashed. Because it was a special event for us, we let it go. Thankfully! Otherwise, we would have found out that one entire family who "had to be invited" had ditched us without rhyme or reason.
Cheers to the SIL who did a very nice thing!
(I'm going to have to put this up in light of her other interesting turns). ;-)
The Reader Who Came Drunk Deserves A Mention
At least that's how I'd like to remember it.
I'm actually being very kind to her by saying that she came drunk. ;-) I don't actually believe she came to the wedding inebriated. Be that as it may, her behaviour befitted somebody who might as well have been drunk, or on some kind of a downer of sorts.
Luckily for me, I was too busy enjoying the most expensive party I've ever hosted to have noticed any of her attention-seeking, un-lady like adventures on the day. I noticed a certain haughtiness, sure, but I've known her since high school. She's the kind of girl who likes to be the star attraction.
Why not? you might say. Well, I believe that psychoanalysts might have something to say about that. If there happens to be a roomful of girls and she isn't the one everybody's fawning over, there's going to be some major sulking and heavy duty reflection afterwards. She'll blog about it. You've been warned! Hehe...
I felt terrible when told about her look-at-me gaffs. If her intention was to cause me some discomfort or consternation, she had terrible timing. I was far too busy with other cares on the day.
Here's some of her i-know-i'm-not-the-bride-but-look-at-me gaffs:
(1) wore white
(2) turned up late to the ceremony for which, BTW!, she was a reader, then proceeded to ask people if they would take over her reading because she didn't feel like it (or some such nonsense)
(3) launched into some kind of mind-f**cking game with her then boyfriend at the reception while ripping open her wedding favor then began munching away on the almonds. When she got to the last piece cried out "here you go A, you have that, I don't want the fertility almond..."
And so on.
Priceless.
I feel pity for the mother who brought her up. Some folks might just think her daughter's selfishness, uncouthness and self-obssessed vapidness are her fault.
Hmm...
You've got to have a good laugh.
PS:
(I feel for for my good friend who made those cute favors as a wedding present for us. They didn't deserve such an ungraceful end at the hands of a silicone-implanted out-of-control attention-seeking hag).
I'm actually being very kind to her by saying that she came drunk. ;-) I don't actually believe she came to the wedding inebriated. Be that as it may, her behaviour befitted somebody who might as well have been drunk, or on some kind of a downer of sorts.
Luckily for me, I was too busy enjoying the most expensive party I've ever hosted to have noticed any of her attention-seeking, un-lady like adventures on the day. I noticed a certain haughtiness, sure, but I've known her since high school. She's the kind of girl who likes to be the star attraction.
Why not? you might say. Well, I believe that psychoanalysts might have something to say about that. If there happens to be a roomful of girls and she isn't the one everybody's fawning over, there's going to be some major sulking and heavy duty reflection afterwards. She'll blog about it. You've been warned! Hehe...
I felt terrible when told about her look-at-me gaffs. If her intention was to cause me some discomfort or consternation, she had terrible timing. I was far too busy with other cares on the day.
Here's some of her i-know-i'm-not-the-bride-but-look-at-me gaffs:
(1) wore white
(2) turned up late to the ceremony for which, BTW!, she was a reader, then proceeded to ask people if they would take over her reading because she didn't feel like it (or some such nonsense)
(3) launched into some kind of mind-f**cking game with her then boyfriend at the reception while ripping open her wedding favor then began munching away on the almonds. When she got to the last piece cried out "here you go A, you have that, I don't want the fertility almond..."
And so on.
Priceless.
I feel pity for the mother who brought her up. Some folks might just think her daughter's selfishness, uncouthness and self-obssessed vapidness are her fault.
Hmm...
You've got to have a good laugh.
PS:
(I feel for for my good friend who made those cute favors as a wedding present for us. They didn't deserve such an ungraceful end at the hands of a silicone-implanted out-of-control attention-seeking hag).
Things I love About Weddings
These are 3 things I love about weddings:
(1) It's a celebration of love
(2) It's a public declaration of your place and aspirations in the world
(3) It usually involves a big party and a really swanky holiday afterwards
Also, you usually gets lots and lots of gifts. Plus if you're really lucky, these just might be gifts you're going to love to have around for the next twenty years.
Here are 3 things which complicate those 3 things above:
(1) It involves children and families
(2) It involves friends who will be as annoying as possible, give their unwanted opinion on everything and then lose it completely by acting out on the day. Here's a related blog about the annoying friend.
(3) It involves dealing with businesses who think "wedding" means "fleecing"
Again, I'd like to stress that I'm not down on weddings and although I'm as baffled as anything that I actually got married, I support what, in essence, it represents. (!) I also believe that you can be with someone for the rest of your life and have a fulfilling and happy life without getting married.
My number one pet peeve about a "wedding" is that some people really confuse it with the "marriage". Sometimes, unfortunately, these same people are your friends and family. For me, the only thing our wedding has to do with with our marriage is that, for the purposes of anniversaries, our wedding date is our wedding day anniversary.
For all intents and purposes, I consider my marriage to have begun when I decided to commit myself to this person and we began to work towards common goals together. This happened three years before we contemplated hosting a wedding. Hmm...
The aunt who likes to take center stage
Everytime, all the time.
I really must take my hat off to an aunt of mine who loves, loves, loves to take center stage whenever, wherever and however. To her defence, she does come with a family disclaimer. Mother warned me early on in life that attention-loving aunt has been that way since they were young girls. So what? She's old, she should get over it! Most of us get over our childhood guises, why can't she?
Aunt does not like being outshone, outdone and ousted from the queen bee pole, even if just for a day. Even on somebody else's wedding day. She will do everything in her power to make it known that the world revolves around her. Brace yourself should you forget this elementary truth!
Because I've grown up with her, and especially now that I'm more mature, I can sort of see the funny side of all of this. But I would be lying if I didn't admit that there are times when I so desperately want to tell her what for or hey lady, it's not your day!
However (!), there is one golden rule in my family which perhaps helps to explain why look-at-me-aunt continues to behaves the way she does. I never understood why we have all blindly obeyed this rule since time immemorial. The rule is simple: absolutely no one, no matter the circumstance, must say or do anything to upset her. It is therefore fear of familial ostracisation that hinders me from giving her a piece of my mind.
Instead, I blog about it. This way I get to vent without jeopardising the incredibly fragile ecosystem of my family. Hmm...
My aunt travelled from abroad to attend my wedding which is something she also did for my cousin's wedding and is about to do for my brother's . For my cousin's wedding, she insisted on paying for the flowers and attire for some of the bridal party. An absolutely generous gesture (!) since she had already spent a bit for international airfares and hotel accommodation just to be there for the wedding.
Then it started.
You see my aunt is a generous person in lots of ways, especially when it comes to gift-giving, but with her gifts come strings. One of these is the right to comment. When I say right to comment, I mean the right to meddle in aspects of life of the person who is the current beneficiary of her generosity. This is what aunt actually goes about doing. For the most part, it's harmless but then it gets very tiring very quickly.
First came comments about the quality of the flowers. She wondered out loud why the bride's family did not host a welcome party for her when she arrived. Then she let it be known that she was very unhappy that the couple hadn't taken her out on the town. Mind you, she had arrived just one week before the wedding when, understandably, the couple probably had more pressing things going on. My mother who had also flown in from overseas to attend had to nurse her sister's wounded attention-seeking ego.
What really sticks to me about aunt's antics during my cousin's wedding was her expressing disappointment about the church (she was part of the bridal party): "had I known that the aisle I'd be marching down such a short aisle, I wouldn't have worn a less expensive dress".
Yeah, exactly.
For my own wedding, my aunt had heard that I didn't want chair covers. They have always kind of freaked me out a little bit and I've never been overly fond of them. When she heard, thanks to my anxious mother, that I wasn't going to have chair covers, she told my mother to tell me that she would pay for them, adding that it wouldn't be a wedding without chair covers. Of course I thought this was complete BS but being a people pleaser (very, very sad fact but true), I not only relented but declared that I would pay for them myself. Although I felt it was a waste of money, it wasn't as if it was going to stretch me.
Knowing my family's politics as I do, paying for everything for my wedding was the best tactical move I'd made in a long time. I said, sure, I'm going to incorporate your wishes because you're my relative and I respect you but because I'm paying, you rescind the right to further meddle, kapiz?
Then she asked my mother to ask me when my future mother-in-law (FMIL) would be hosting a lunch or dinner party in her honour. I don't think she understood that she wasn't actually a member of my immediate family and so my FMIL was under no obligation to do such a thing. I tried to explain this to her, to no avail of course. She said that she had come all the way, and if my FMIL hosted a lunch for my parents, why not for her and her husband?
Why not, indeed?
Etcetera, etc, etc...
One of the first things aunt asked me upon her arrival was who would be doing her hair and make up on the day. I'm sorry? was my bemused reaction. Come again? I didn't realise you were getting married! Then the little voice inside started to laugh. She didn't want to know who would be doing the bride's makeup. Oh no, she wanted to know who was doing hers. OMG! This lady's really something.
At 11:30 am of the wedding day, my aunt and mother turn up outside my hotel room to get their make-up done with me. Mother goes first, gets her hair and make-up in under an hour. She wanted an updo. Fine, she's the mother of the bride. Then aunt takes her seat. She choses to have a fairly elaborate up-do as well which with the make-up takes an hour. It's already 1:30 pm. The wedding is at 4pm. My bridesmaid arrives with some sushi for lunch.
Around about now aunt decides that she would like a different hairstyle. So fine, the hairstylist redoes her hair. When she was finished, it was already 2:30 and neither myself nor my bridesmaid have had our hair or make-up done. And to think (no offence aunt) we were going to be the most photographed women that day.
Around about now aunt decides that she would like a different hairstyle. So fine, the hairstylist redoes her hair. When she was finished, it was already 2:30 and neither myself nor my bridesmaid have had our hair or make-up done. And to think (no offence aunt) we were going to be the most photographed women that day.
I wonder if my aunt had thought about me or my bridesmaid at all? That we were actually a little bit more important than her on that day? Or that her niece, who had never thought she would get married, was actually bracing herself for the single most significant (and stressful) social event of her life?
You've got to just have a good laugh and a glass or red.
The Sister-in-Law Who Complains: Before, During and After
What to do about the sister-in-law who complains before, during and after the wedding? I stumbled on this post and realised how ridiculous the whole thing was. It's nice to be validated, especially when one has gone through some kind of traumatic event such as wedding planning.
For the reception, my partner and I sat my sister-in-law in a table filled with her first cousins from out of town. She complained during the reception (thankfully not to us) that she thought her own cousins were a boring bunch. Hmm... The day after, when we went to my mother-in-law's for lunch, she made it known that we could have done better with the seating planning. Mind you, this was just before we headed off to our honeymoon. If not for my partner who assured me not to worry it because it had been his responsibility to seat his family appropriately, I would've gone into anxiety-mode.
In hindsight, I think that it was completely tactless and wrong for her to whine. She's an accomplished and successful lawyer who was raised in a privileged environment immersed in the observance of social etiquette. Ah, that was a mouthful! Hehe... My point is that she should have known to behave better. I'm supposed to be the one who behaves clumsily, erratically and inappropriately. Because I hadn't had the same privileged upbringing. Yet, as time passes, and after having had the opportunity to live in different parts of the world, I'm finding this observation holds less and less verity.
This sister-in-law also complained about the music (which I chose and loved!), and God knows what else. Being the person that I am - anxious, wanting to please - I tried my best to accommodate every directive that I could humanly accommodate during the wedding. If she chose not to enjoy herself, it was her fault completely. It was her choice! That's right, folks, wedding guests, invitees, etc, you have a choice as to whether or not you're going to enjoy yourself. This is true for life, it's true for weddings!
My response: Other people had lots of fun. They thought it was a terrific night. So there!
She also whinged about some spelling mistakes or other in the church programs, saying she had to make up a great portion of her reading. Sure, okay, there were misprints but not enough for her to have to divine a whole section of the Bible.
Hmm...
No "thank you for the honour of choosing me as your reader". No "congratulations on your wedding". No "you look nice" (even if just to be polite). Nada!
You've got to have a good laugh.
What is "A Family Wedding" BLOG?
For me, quite simply, it's just a means to try to make sense of the entire wedding experience. First off, I'm already married. So this blog isn't about the preparation and all of that. It's more of a healing process. You see, I somehow managed to get through my wedding with my sanity and convictions intact. Just.
I didn't have any real expectations of my wedding, or the wedding day. I held no expectation because I actually never thought I would get married. I grew up believing in the institution of marriage but knowing it wasn't for me. I thought that I'd find a soulmate and live happily together not being married, because marriage meant joining an outdated, ultra-conservative and sexist institution.
So...I don't know exactly what happened to me in between the time that I started planning my wedding to the day that I checked out of the hotel where we had our wedding reception when I realised that I had mistake.
I'd like to make it clear that this entire blog is about my working through what I consider to be a major event in my life, an event that I enjoyed in many ways but that I also found traumatic and unnatural in others. It's this latter part, the traumatic aspect, that I'd like very much to explore and to understand so that I can move on from it and close that chapter. So that I won't, in a year's time, ever talk about it all ever again. Wink. Let's see... I guess what I'm trying to say is that although my posts are on the negative side, I'm not at all trying to take away from the beauty of weddings.
This blog is about my healing process, my working through. As my grandmother would have said, it's just a good old cry about all sorts, really.
Feel free to comment and share your thoughts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
